The Racist Shop Owner Sketch

This sketch is a little racist. I’m not gonna lie. But hopefully, everyone will just look past it and laugh.

The setting is a mall or just a store. A man walks by to see a sign that says “no Blacks”. He is appalled and goes into the store to talk to the owner.

Man

Are you the owner of this place?

Owner

I sure am. What can I do you for?

MAN

I was actually passing by and I noticed the sign up front.

OWNER

Oh yeah? Which one?

MAN

Which one? Really?

OWNER

There are lots of signs out front.

MAN

I’m talking about the racist one. The “No Blacks” sign. You can’t have that up. It’s discriminatory.

OWNER

I think you misunderstand.

MAN

How can I misunderstand a sign that says “No Blacks”?

OWNER

It’s to keep out people with the last name Black.

MAN

Really?

OWNER

Conrad Black, Jack Black, Sirius Black.

MAN

Oh. My mistake. I thought that sign was to keep black people out.

OWNER

Oh, no. That’s what the other sign is for.

The shop keep points to a help wanted sign.

The Book Store Sketch

This is a sketch I wrote and want to shoot. You never know. It could be all right. :/

At the Böök Store

A man walks into the store.

customer

Hello. I saw your sign outside. Is this the Book store?

Clerk

(With a Swedish accent on the word Böøk)

This is the Böøk Store.

CUSTOMER

Good. I was wondering if you have the latest book by Dou-

CLERK

(Interrupting)

Sorry we don’t sell books.

CUSTOMER

Really? You seem yo have plenty of them all along the shelves here.

CLERK

Those aren’t books.

CUSTOMER

Well what are they?

CLERK

Böøks.

CUSTOMER

You’re just saying books with a fake swedish accent.

CLERK

How dare you!

CUSTOMER

I’m sorry?

CLERK

My Swedish accent is impeccable.

CUSTOMER

You’re speaking in a normal accent now! You only use your accent when you say books!

CLERK

Now you’re saying I cannot say böøks properly? Get out of my böøk store!

CUSTOMER

You did it again!

CLERK

I did not.

CUSTOMER

Say books.

CLERK

Böøks.

CUSTOMER

Books.

CLERK

Böøks.

CUSTOMER

Boo-

CLERK

Böø-

CUSTOMER

This is ridiculous.

CLERK

You, sir, are ridiculous.

A second customer walks in.

Customer 2

Hi. Where do you keep the böøks?

CLERK

In the back.

CUSTOMER 2

Cheers.

He walks off.

CUSTOMER

(flabbergasted)

What was that?!

CLERK

What?

CUSTOMER

I just asked you where the books were a minute ago and you said you didn’t have any.

CLERK

We don’t have any books!

CUSTOMER

Where did that other man go?!

CLERK

…to look at the böøks!

CUSTOMER

I don’t get you!

CLERK

What do you want from me?!

CUSTOMER

(Pause.)

BOOKS!

CLERK

No books!

CUSTOMER

Well, what is it that you sell other than not books?!

CLERK

Porno and children into slavery.

CUSTOMER

Oh, right on. I’ll take one of each then.

Puzzle: A Short Film in Progress.

Scene 1: The set up

The film starts with the camera moving from the street to the front door of the house. I want long slow camera movements. The camera goes from street to front door. The door opens and the camera still crawls about. All you hear is a squeaky bed in the background. Very faint. Camera still trawling the house. It moves about like a cat burglar . Showing all the knick-knacks and trivial things that is in this mans house. It’s all typical things. The camera moves upstairs and makes it’s way to the bed room. There are a man and a woman going at it. Unlovingly. The man ontop and the woman just laying there. Legs spread. Dead star fish type. No emotion. The camera goes extra slow now. Moving onto the couple. It’s clear these two aren’t enjoying the sex.

Tobias

I think… I think I’m done.

Susie

Did you come?

TOBIAS

…No. Did you?

SUSIE

No.

TOBIAS

Do you want me to keep going? I don’t mind.

SUSIE

It’s up to you.

TOBIAS

Well, what if I go down on you?

SUSIE

Gross, Tobias. Your penis was just there.

TOBIAS

It was just a suggestion.

SUSIE

A disgusting suggestion.

TOBIAS

(Sigh)All right. I guess we’re done then. I just have to go to the bathroom and I’ll come right back to bed.

Tobias puts on his underwear cautiously. As if he doesn’t want his girlfriend to see his penis. Like he’s self conscious about it. She rolls onto her side and goes to bed. Tobias looks at her and sighs. He closes the door on his way out. He makes his way to the bathroom. He looks in the mirror at himself. He pulls down his drawers and inspects his penis as if he feels something is wrong with it. He lifts the seat and sits down on the toilet sans underwear. You see his arm moving like he’s trying to get his orchestra going. It gets there and then he has a furious fap session and comes. He cleans himself up and facepalms himself as if he feels ashamed about what he did. He gets up and looks himself in the mirror again. He shakes his head this time. Flicks off the light and leaves. He starts walking back to the bed room when he hears a humming noise. His girl friend was using a vibrator. He looks through the crack of the door to see. She finishes, puts it away and Tobias makes his entrance back into the room. He lays down in bed next to her. The lights off. All you can see is the shadow outlines. He sniffs and smells her wet pussy. Sighs. Goes to sleep.

Tobias wakes up. He puts on his house coat and meanders downstairs to see his girlfriend cooking breakfast. He goes to kiss her but she turns her head

SUSIE

I told you! No kissing until you brush your teeth. I hate morning breath.

TOBIAS

Sorry, I forgot. What’s for breakfast?

SUSIE

Just eggs and bacon. I have to get going to work. I have this big presentation to do and I need to impress the clients. They’re in the frying pan. I gotta go.

TOBIAS

Honey, I need to ask. Do you think there’s something wrong with our sex life?

SUSIE

What makes you think that? We have sex once a week. That’s healthy.

TOBIAS

I dunno. It’s just… wouldn’t you like to do it more?

SUSIE

I was reading that continual penetration can make women go into menopause much earlier. DO you really want that? Me to be a sterile wasteland?

TOBIAS

(Sometimes.)

No, honey. Forget I brought it up.

SUSIE

Do you want to have sex twice this week? Will that make you feel better?

TOBIAS

… sure. I guess… I–

SUSIE

Good. I’ll try to pencil some time into my schedule for it. Remember, I won’t be home until later tonight. I got yoga tonight.

TOBIAS

(Yippee)

Thanks, sweetie.

SUSIE

I have to go now honey. Bye!

TOBIAS

I lov–

She slams the door interrupting him.

TOBIAS

–you.

Smoke starts coming from the kitchen. Susie left the burner with the eggs and bacon on burning it. He rushes over and turns the burner off and waves a dish cloth in front of the smoke detector hoping it won’t go off.

Scene 2: The Build up

Tobias is working in his studio. He’s painting. He’s about to put his brush to canvas but then it flashes to him dreaming about sex. Faceless sex. Sex with a stranger. Shadows over her face. Back to Tobias. He pulls the brush back. Shakes his head. goes to do it again but this time it’s a vision of him eating out a stranger. He can’t get this stranger fantasy out of his head.

TOBIAS

I just need some coffee. I’ll go out and get some coffee and that’ll get me back on track.

He drives to the coffee shop. Walks in and gets in line. An attractive girl comes from behind him and lines up.

Mandi

What’s on the menu?

TOBIAS

Pardon me?

MANDI

What’re you getting? I like seeing what peoples orders are to see if I can peg them.

TOBIAS

You think you can guess what I’ll get?

MANDI

If I’m wrong, I’ll buy it for you.

TOBIAS

Sure, fine. Let’s do this.

MANDI

Hm… well, you seem like the typical guy. The guy who doesn’t like inconveniencing people. So, something simple. Hm… vanilla latte. Vanilla since you’re on the plain side.

TOBIAS

Ha. Not at all.

Barista

Next!

TOBIAS

(Stares at the menu)

MANDI

I guessed it right, didn’t I? And now, you’re lost since you can’t order your regular.

TOBIAS

(Bitch.)

Yeah. All right. You got me pegged.

MANDI

Haha. Well, since you’re such a good sport I’ll buy your coffee. How about that?

TOBIAS

I… yeah, sure. That sounds good.

They both get their coffee and sit at opposite ends of the café. She occasionally catches him glancing at her.

MANDI

You know, there’s no point in us sitting this far away from each other. We are the ONLY ones in here. You want some company?

TOBIAS

Yeah, sure. Come on over.

MANDI

I was going to come over anyway. No matter what you said.

TOBIAS

Intrude much?

MANDI

Anti-social much?

TOBIAS

I just like keeping to myself. Mainly.

MANDI

I can tell.

TOBIAS

Is that so?

MANDI

Yup. You’re painfully transparent. I can guess almost everything about you.

TOBIAS

The drink was one thing but my personal life is something new entirely.

MANDI

Let me take a stab at it? I promise it’ll only hurt as much as you want it to.

TOBIAS

Fine. Let’s see your powers at work.

MANDI

Well, you’re vanilla. you like things plain and simple. Work at home? Computers? No, too complicated. Artist. You’re an artist.

TOBIAS

You got that one.

MANDI

You keep doing freelance stuff. Stuff that pays the bills but you can never work on your own projects. Something distracts you?

TOBIAS

Okay. What’s distracting me?

MANDI

It’s gonna be hard to say for sure but you’re a linear thinker. So, I’m gonna have to say that you’re not fucking thinking and too busy thinking about fucking.

TOBIAS

Gross. No way.

MANDI

What’s gross? Fucking?

TOBIAS

Sex is not an appropriate subject for the public.

MANDI

Really? Because I could have sworn that the majority of the planet has had sex.

TOBIAS

Yeah but it’s not a proper conversation topic.

MANDI

Why not? We’re all thinking about it. Even if it’s in the back of our minds.

TOBIAS

It’s not in the back of MY mind.

MANDI

Bullshit! I call bullshit!

TOBIAS

It’s true!

MANDI

Liar. I’ve thought about sex at least 7 times since I’ve been in here.

TOBIAS

… but… it’s just you and me in here…were you thinking…of…

MANDI

Wouldn’t you like to know?

She gets up to leave as she hits the door, she pauses and turns around. She lifts her skirt and shows her panties.

MANDI

Try not thinking about it now.

She leaves. Tobias is flabbergasted. And doesn’t know what to think. Tobias finishes his coffee and leaves. He makes his way back to his studio and sits down to paint. The camera is behind the easel and Tobias starts painting. The camera rotates around him. All he’s painted was a giant vagina.

TOBIAS

Shit.

Under

sometimes, I wonder
When you go under,
will you be the same
when you rise?

I sit here silently
dying on the inside
just to let you know
how I feel.

I want to be there
since I want you so
and deep down I know

That you want me the same.

Lost

To fight the war; to want to die
to not belong, to be a lost soldier.

WAndering from place to place; never complete.
To know my home. My station in life.

I am broken pieces strewn on the floor
without anyone to put them back together again.

I’m lost. A stranger in paradise with the world at my fingertips.

As I grasp for the world, it slips through.

The more I grasp, the more I spiral
out of control; into oblivion

And I’m okay with that.

Sheets

I lay in a wet spot on my sheets
like a gun without a bullet in the chamber
useless; unable to perform my feats
curling up alone, dying to sleep.

the consistent emptiness until I get my fix
the release makes me feel ecstasy
elation flys in my brain and enters the mix
and makes me want to reach out.

Reach for the heavens and yell
but after, I feel alone again.
Orgasm to Orgasm; between the sheets.

Grow Up and Blow Away

This started out as a bedtime story and I liked the story so much that I re-wrote it.  Tried to add the writers flair.  Does it hold up?  The idea came from a combination of the album title from a Metric CD and the Chinese idea of the red string of fate.

Grow Up and Blow Away

It started as any other day would.  He laid in bed awake staring at the alarm clock on his bedside cabinet.  He saw the red numbers hit the magic combination of 7:13am.  The alarm started to blare the familiar tone.  He tapped the snooze button gently and proceeded to get out of bed and greet the day with a sigh and a shake of his head.  The man started his daily routine.  Cooked the same mediocre breakfast.  Brushed his teeth the same amount of times on each side as he did on the previous day and the day before that.  He drank his coffee that he always makes purposely weaker, that way he doesn’t feel the crash in his mid-day grind.  Everything he did in the morning reeked of routine and that is where he found himself comfortable.  Never knowing what is outside of the rut he has found himself in.  He let out a deep sigh as he looked at the clock at the same time he always does and realizes that it’s that time again.  The time for him to leave his cozy house and exchange his (ever precious) time to a higher power.

He left the house and looked upwards towards the sky and saw the gray clouds above him.  Setting up the scene for the rest of his day.  Walking down past the things of familiarity, the people in their routines.  Living their lives.  Everyday he gets the same thoughts and pushes them out dismissing himself as a “free-thinker”.  The man knows he’s a drone and hates it.

He waits at the bus stop for his chariot to arrive.  He looks at the sign for his bus then looks at his watch.  He hears the bus coming exactly on schedule.  It stops and he gets on.  He flashes his bus pass to the obviously disgruntled transit worker who clearly couldn’t care less if he tried.  The man sits down in his regular spot and stares at the spot on the floor as he always does.  A meek sigh squeaked past his lips as he raised his head to see an unfamiliar face.  The face of a woman who seemed so sublime and content.  She was actually smiling.  This seemed so foreign to him.  A beam of light in his world of gray.  He couldn’t understand it.

This woman had a long black jacket on that was unbuttoned.  Atop the jacket collar was a red scarf with a single loose thread protruding from it.  He thought about reaching for it and taking it but he thought it’d be rude.  Beneath the jacket was a plain shirt that had the text “Rise and Fall” silk-screened on.  This made the man even more curious about this mystery woman.  The rise and fall of what?  His mind raced with ideas of what it could have been.  He ended up thinking about this woman for the entire bus trip.  So much that he ended up missing his stop by two.  The man pulled the cord and stood up embarrassed.  Shaking his head at how foolish he was.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw the woman look at him and her permanent smile grew just a little.  Enough to be noticed.  He arrived at the building and was out of breath.  He stopped to wonder if it was from her or the run from missing his stop.  Shrugging it off as a lapse in judgment, he headed into the most dreaded part of his routine.

He spent the next eight hours enamored by the idea of this woman in the read scarf.  It was only just the idea of her too.  He didn’t know her name.  What she does.  Her favorite colour.  He assumed it was red because of the scarf but he couldn’t be for sure and that is what he loved.  Not knowing what was next.  He almost forgot the feeling of not knowing.  He caught himself sketching a picture of her on a spare pad of Post-It notes.  He quickly crumpled up the paper and tried to get his mind on work but couldn’t.  Everywhere he went he saw this woman in the red scarf.

The workday ended and the man went home.  That night he dreamed of her.  He dreamed that the woman was walking away and he couldn’t catch up no matter how hard he ran.  He saw the thread coming out of the scarf.  He went to grab it and he felt it in his hand but then he started falling and falling with no end in sight just this long red string.  He woke up with his hand clenched.  He opened it up to see nothing.  He felt like today was going to be like every other day at that point.

We walked out to greet the day with a grunt and a shrug.  He dragged his feet step by step down the pavement and was dreading another day at the grind.  While clunking down the street like an automaton with a directive, he looked up to see the woman from the bus coming towards him.  He wanted to stop and talk to her.  Ask her name.  Ask her to coffee.  Ask her for the secrets of the universe.  But the man couldn’t stop.  He kept walking in fear of what would happen if he broke his routine.  She passed by him.  Their gaze met but broke due to the two travelers keeping in their stead.  The man kept walking in disbelief at his actions.  He kept going through the crowd of people, passing by street lamps and garbage cans unable to look back.  The man forced himself to stop and turn around.  It took all of his strength.  He looked for her but she was gone.  Lost in the cacophony of people.  The sea of the faceless.  He let out a sigh and looked down at the sidewalk to lament his mistake.

Suddenly, the man felt weightless and was being lifted into the air.  Uncontrollably he was levitating upwards.  The man panicked and tried to grasp at anything to keep him on the ground.  No such luck.  He started going higher and higher and panicking even more.  He reached a certain altitude and stopped climbing.  He thought this crazy ride was over and he would be returned to the ground where he felt safe.  Not a chance.  He started flying head first into the wild blue yonder and screaming at the top of his lungs thinking that these will be the last minutes of his life.  But that was not the case.  He kept going and going.  He was traveling all around the world seeing sights and hearing the sounds of the world underneath him.  It was like he had a sensory overload.  Never knowing the kinds of things that were happening just around him.  He smiled for the first time in a long time and started actually having fun.  He was having fun!  For once, his day wasn’t a melancholy display of disgust and apathy.  He looked into the distance and saw something coming towards him.  At first, he thought it was a bird but it was too big to be a bird.  Then he saw the red scarf.  It was her!  She was flying towards him at such an alarming rate that he started to get worried and think a crash was imminent.  He braced himself but as they were about to collide, their paths converged and they were heading in the same direction.  Together.

“Hello?” the man said sheepishly.

“Hi.  Nice day to blow away, huh?” She said while having a great big smile on her face.

“I’m not sure what’s going on…”  Looking around confused.

“Just let go and blow away.  That’s the only advice I can really give.”  In a quiet delicate tone

“This is normal for you?”  He gulped down the lump in his throat.

“It’s not for you?  Giving up all control?”  She asked and smiled.  The man looked confused.  But in his own way, he understood.

“Can I join you?”  He said as if he had some clarity for the first time in his life.  She looked him in the eye and saw a new person.  She nodded and grabbed his hand.  They flew away together.  Long into the night, they were still together.

“This is where we must part ways, I’m afraid.” She spoke quietly.  The man wasn’t ready to let go.

“No.  This can’t be it.” He looked her in the eye and a look of despair set in.  She shook her head and then the two were pulled away as if they were similar magnetic poles.  Pulling away gently, their fingers caressed each other for the last time but he was not ready to give up.  He grabbed for her red scarf to only grab the loose thread.  With that last effort, they were gone.  Strangers in the night.

He clasped that thread so tight and it seemed to go on forever.  He grew tired and had to fall asleep but still he clutched that thread as he drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, he awoke in his bed thinking it was all a dream.  A dream that he never wanted to wake up from.  There was something in his hand.  A portion of a red thread.  He pondered if it was real.  He shook it off as a vivid dream and nothing more.  He continued the daily grind.  Walking down the street he spotted her.  The woman from his dream.  They passed by each other on the empty street but this time he turned around to see he when she was not even 2 steps behind him.  He sees nothing but a red scarf on the ground and a red thread connecting it to the thread in his pocket.  He let out a little laugh and looked to the sky.  With that, he was gone.  Blown away in the wind.  Like her.


Jay’s Twitter


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.